The teeth are back and mad at the Oscars

Originally published on Sumner Newscow on May 14, 2021

Happy Friday. Welcome back to Mouthful of teeth where, after a brief hiatus, I will be upset at the way the Oscars screwed up once again and happy with the way terrible people are getting what’s coming to them.

After my April 23 article, it appears the Academy wanted to be sure not to pick any of the correct choices this year. Sound of Metal didn’t win Best Picture, Emma didn’t win Best Costume and Design, and worst of all Chadwick Boseman didn’t win Best Actor.

I wasn’t the only one who found the Chadwick snub confusing and outrageous, however. Anthony Hopkins didn’t even show up because he thought he wasn’t going to win, and the awards show themselves changed the order around to give Boseman his due.

Rest in Power Chadwick

Once Hopkins was announced, the program ended abruptly without any fanfare or reverence for the dearly departed. Chadwick Boseman was on his way to becoming the next Tom Hanks where every role he took would be touched by grace and the box office would explode. He was the best actor working in Hollywood despite his sickness and the fact that we can never refer to him as an Oscar winner is ridiculous.

And don’t say “well Hopkins just gave a better performance than Chadwick” because 1. That’s not true, and 2. It isn’t as if the Academy is all about merit, otherwise, we wouldn’t have had just one non-English Best Picture in 93 years.

While the Oscars flubbing their honors for the umpteenth time isn’t very newsworthy, it still warrants mentioning when I give them the right answers a week in advance.

But it isn’t all bad news this week. Ellen DeGeneres announced that she will be ending her reign of terror on daytime television after 19 years.

Ellen was a pioneer for gay rights as one of the first openly gay women to have her own sitcom then her own media empire to follow. She released a B-grade standup special in 2018 and has generally tried to keep up her “nice-gal” act on TV to relative success for the last two decades.

Her downfall started with an interview with Dakota Johnson calling out Ellen for (of all things) a birthday invitation. Ellen told Johnson she didn’t get an invite to her birthday party to which Johnson responded with the line “actually that’s not the truth Ellen,” which went on to enjoy meme immortality.

From that innocuous call out, Ellen staffers came forward about their horrible treatment from the host over the years and Ellen was outed for her shady friendships with unscrupulous people.

It isn’t as if Ellen is losing her show because she’s been “canceled” or a “media witch hunt” is after her. It’s just finally the moment for daytime television to move on and while it isn’t the arena for complex issues, it is nice to see an ultrawealthy hypocrite take some time out of the public eye.

Speaking of ultrawealthy hypocrites, Elon Musk was in the news once again this week for hosting Saturday Night Live.

Before going any further, it needs to be said that SNL is not the social barometer people make it out to be. Its influence has been lagging for decades and apart from the rare skit to go viral online or the occasionally funny Weekend Updates, the culture at large hasn’t watched SNL for years.

SNL’s business model these days is to grab any celebrity willing to appear on their show and convince them to bomb onstage for the world to see every week while sandwiching any tired jokes they can think of in the process. Elon Musk, on the other hand, isn’t some harmless plug.

Musk is now the richest man on Earth from his various business ventures (and the criminally large inheritance he received from his father, an emerald miner in apartheid South Africa). He took a break from creating a tunnel through Las Vegas too narrow to get an ambulance through to tell some horrible jokes and get ridiculed online.

If you are still one of the misguided few who thinks Elon is some kind of genius who bucks social norms, let me dispel those thoughts right now.

Elon didn’t design a single Tesla car. That was Franz von Holzhausen who took his design to major car companies who (correctly) told him the car wasn’t scalable to the vast majority.

It’s no secret that Musk doesn’t design any of the technology involved in SpaceX, but he is responsible for ruining neighborhoods by ignoring noise violations so he can say his little rocket company is based in California.

What his followers are boasting nowadays is Elon’s embrace of simulation theory. It’s a theory that basically posits the premise of the Matrix, but whose only “proof” is that you can’t prove it doesn’t exist.

No matter what this shell of a man touches, it has almost nothing to do with his “genius” and the only success he does have comes from the brilliant people around him. While some might call that good business savvy, I’d argue that we don’t idolize the man-child for his business skills, but for the inventions, he slaps his name on.

But the best-case scenario happened from his appearance on SNL. Elon didn’t get a single laugh, the internet is still trolling him, and his little joke-stock Dogecoin is down 60% since he took the stage.

So, join with me in the mockery and make yourself feel better knowing that even though he’s the richest man in the world, that money won’t make him a genius.

Meme of the week

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