How Capitalism is going to solve the pandemic

Every few days in Joe Biden’s America, there’s a new update on the COVID 19 vaccine and its distribution. While, on the surface, this is great news (and it is), there’s a persisting problem we haven’t addressed: what are we going to do with the idiots that don’t want to take it. Capitalism has the answer.

The Cleveland Clinic predicts 50%-80% of the population will need to be vaccinated for herd immunity to take over. Dr. Fauci, despite optimistic figures early, now suspects it to be closer to 90%. The World Health Organization says we’ll never know until we do it, but points to measles which required 95%. No matter who you’re asking, though, it needs to be more than half the country, so we should be concerned.

If you give a Q a cookie…

The “horror” stories of what befalls those lucky enough to receive the vaccine this early are already making their rounds through far-right chatrooms (which includes Facebook). Some are immediately debunked like most of the videos of “shaking” patients, but other fake news stories are left unchallenged even though their own premises disprove them.

Chiefly among these falsehoods, is the conspiracy theory that Bill Gates is using the vaccine his foundation helped develop to put microchips in all of us. What he plans to do once we’re chipped is unclear, but it has the crazies pretty worried. The BBC wrote a thorough debunking of this theory and the other variants of it. But it’s not like facts ever worked before, so why would they work now?  

It is also worth noting that the Bill Gates/vaccine conspiracy theory is doubly important because it is probably the most mainstream version of a QAnon doctrine. QAnon is the host of nearly every conspiracy theory in America. But it’s vital to remember that Q’s premise for all of its theories is that a secret group of Jewish, lizard people at the center of the Earth are using Gates and members of the “elite” to harvest children in a molestation/cannibalization ring. As we saw in the Comet Ping Pong shooting, these theories aren’t just silly and they cause a lot of harm every year (not to mention being aggressively antisemitic).

WILKES BARRE, PA – AUGUST 02: David Reinert holds a large “Q” sign while waiting in line on to see President Donald J. Trump at his rally August 2, 2018 at the Mohegan Sun Arena at Casey Plaza in Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. “Q” represents QAnon, a conspiracy theory group that has been seen at recent rallies. (Photo by Rick Loomis/Getty Images)

Capitalism won’t let a good customer pool die off

So how does a government handle this kind of misinformation and ensure the citizenry receives the potentially life-saving vaccine? Does it ban Facebook and other far-right channels? Will it expel Republican lawmakers who have hamstrung the process every step of the way? Does it secretly follow every unvaccinated person and shoot them with a blow dart full of medicine? No, but it should. Instead, what is going to happen is what always happens in America: capitalism is going to step in.

No one wants the pandemic to be over more than big business. (Except probably people whose family members have died or will die in a few years due to complications with COVID). While the former POTUS used to brag about how well the stock market was performing, FiveThirtyEight wrote on how the market is actually pretty shitty, despite appearing otherwise from a number of factors. As the pandemic rages on, people aren’t going into stores or restaurants, business owners closing their doors, and even big box retailers are hurting.

This is meaningful because American business is willing to sit by while there’s no other alternative. By “sit by” I mean recklessly force half the political spectrum to open up too quickly. Once there’s a vaccine, capitalism isn’t going to let businesses remain empty because of a little conspiracy. Capitalism has already done so much for business here in America, just look at:

The point is, capitalism doesn’t usually give a shit how many people die. But if there’s no one left to buy things it has no choice but to protect its self-interest.

Where we (victims of capitalism) go from here

A cursory Google search will show that vaccination mandates are one of the most hotly contentious arguments of the day. Conservatives are decrying it as governmental overreach and a breach of civil liberties (which is technically true). Liberals are trying to nice because they really hate winning elections. Even a study that points out how good an idea vaccine mandates would be, admits that they would be “legally and ethically problematic.” No matter how you slice it, requiring this many people to accept (again, LIFE SAVING) treatment is going to be an uphill battle.

That’s when a major retailer, manufacturing plant, or other champion of worker exploitation will institute a vaccination requirement to return to work. States like Iowa have already banned this kind of practice, but what are they going to do when Collins Aerospace, an aircraft manufacturer and the second largest employer in Iowa needs it to start operating again? One of the national brands will start the trend and the rest of the country will follow.

Big business to the…rescue?

Will the decision stand? Courts will challenge company mandates almost immediately, but what is an American judge going to do? Force a corporation to do something it doesn’t want to do? Get the fuck out of here.

Additionally, it has the added consequence of forcing conspiracy theorists to admit they didn’t believe their own nonsense as much as they said or go without food. Because in a country that hates its citizens so much that it won’t give them relief checks, reasonable unemployment benefits, or even healthcare during a pandemic, people will be happy to go to work again if it means they can afford to keep living.

And for the record, this is a HORRIBLE outcome.  Do you think we want to do it this way? If the US was a good country it wouldn’t need to “force” anyone to get the medicine. But because this is America, we have to rely on the benevolence of BIG BUSINESS to get the world back to normal. This country is terrible at nearly everything it does, but leftists, it’s time we take the reins of capitalism for a ride…just this once.

4 thoughts on “How Capitalism is going to solve the pandemic”

  1. The writing style of this piece is so aggressive and off putting. Instead of presenting the facts which can stand on their own, the writer interjects insults and a high and mighty stance which takes away from his point.

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