Originally published on Sumner Newscow on October 31, 2019
Happy Halloween! Halloween is a magical night where kids (and grownups) make an excuse to dress ridiculously and fill their bodies with enough candy (and in the latter case, alcohol) to make them regret it for days to come.
But if you are staying home tonight and await your short, yet excited trick or treaters, you no-doubt have a go-to treat to hand out. The list below uses the latest science to find insight about yourself based off this important choice alone.
What you hand out of your door affects the kids’ night not only in the immediate term, but later in the vicious candy markets to score better prizes, and says maybe even more about what kind of person you are.
You are a decidedly chill person who recognizes quality when you see it and cares about the kids without wanting to work too hard. Everyone knows these are the cream of the spooky crop and the only downside to them is that they only have two to a pack.
Not only are you the envy of all your lame Snickers-hawking neighbors, you know that you’re strategically shutting those living room lights off as soon as you’ve given out all, but the last third of the bowl for your own consumption throughout the week. Happy snacking, you genius you.
Everyone secretly (or overtly) despises you. You’re the type of person to sign up to bring cups to a company barbeque and wish your sister a happy birthday on Facebook rather than even sending her a text. You’re giving these out because despite seeing the parades of candy in the grocery store for three weeks, you still half-heartedly scooped these up from the gas station or Dollar General on your way home from work.
You know good and well these things taste like sweetened chalk and leave your teeth with a coating similar to leaving the dentist, but what do you care? “It’s just Halloween, nobody really cares” you say. We all hope you get ding-dong-ditched later tonight to teach you a lesson.
Much like the KitKat benefactor, you’re a person of fine taste and appreciate the classics. Everyone is happy to get a Reese’s Cup no matter the size; King, classic, even the pieces have something to offer. But unlike our KitKat friend, you are more spontaneous on the verge of recklessness.
Reese’s have the fatal flaw of melting all too quickly if left in the bag too long, which means instant gratification is the only way to go. This isn’t all bad. You’re the type of person who insists on getting two more rounds of drinks even though we all have work tomorrow and is always down for the concert despite rent being due next week. You’re a joy to be around and Halloween is the night we love you and your chaos.
You’re a nice enough person. You take your trash out on time, never allow your sink to fill with dishes, and probably clean your sheets on a designated day each week. You’ve been in the same routine for years now and dismiss the objections of “being stuck in your ways” with a brush of your hand and a quick utterance of “that’s just how I’ve always done it.”
There’s nothing wrong with your routine, I’m sure it’s been working for you just fine, you just need to recognize that you’re a little boring. You give out a candy that was invented in WWII to keep soldiers’ blood sugar up and hasn’t changed a thing since. No one’s upset to see you deposit that little brown envelope of chocolate spheres in their bag, it’s the first thing offered up for something better in the candy trade market later that night. But this year, buy the crispy ones, or the peanut butter, even the mint. Just spice it up a little and don’t do it for me, do it for you.
You have no kids, but watch TV. You’re vaguely aware kids enjoy Skittles, but have never seen them buy one in real life. You’ve only seen the oddly satisfying commercial of the man milking the weird colorful candy out of a giraffe as it eats a literal rainbow and thought it amusing. I don’t blame you, I have no kids of my own and while Skittles personally taste like colorized insanity, it’s a safe bet.
You’re 1000 years old. I honestly couldn’t tell you where Dum Dums can even be purchased at this point. These weird suckers have nameless flavors and I’m convinced their handles are made of the same straws that kill baby turtles.
We all know you bought these in the Nixon administration and are slowly, but surely, distributing them out to the community. Dum Dums and cockroaches will be the only things around after a nuclear explosion, but good on you for keeping them afloat.
Homemade goodie bags
You are, in all actuality, the nicest person on your block. You spent all week cutting up the rice crispy treats and tying the impossibly tight knots to keep these bags together and you want the kids to love them, by god. Sure your knots will cut the circulation from people’s fingers and nobody will actually read the bible verse you printed off, but everyone will know for years that you’re the one on the block who goes all out for the holiday.
You’re the evil twin of the homemade goodie bag person. It takes just as much effort and planning to go out of your way to find this poison, but you do it because you’re an agent of chaos bent on ruining kids’ taste for candy.
Black licorice is an abomination and everyone (including you) knows it, but we persist with it because it makes some kids give up candy all together after their first taste. Black licorice is the chewing tobacco of the child world.
You’re the love-child of the KitKat person’s fine tastes with goodie bag neighbor’s love. You not only want the kids to have a good Halloween, you also appreciate the finer things. Butterfingers are criminally underrated and you’re out there preaching the gospel of its good works year after year.
In between trick or treaters, you probably fancy yourself a fine gin and perhaps a cigar as the evening passes. You even splurge on a few king-size bars for the kids who go all out for their costumes, because they, like you, appreciate the spirit of Halloween.
Who hurt you?
You are actually an imagination created by scared local news channels. I hear this every year and think “who would give out edibles for free? Those are expensive.”
Happy Halloween once again, and if you aren’t handing out treats, and choose instead to take your little gremlin out to hunt, go to a nursing home! They always have good treats and love to see the kids.