Welcome back to Mouthful of teeth’s weekly Bachelorette recap where I’ll break down all the heartbreak, bad feminism, and television gimmicks on Katie Thurston’s search for love.
This is week 6 of Katie’s “journey” and this was easily the most boring episode of the season thus far. The good news? Katie finally sent home the drama kings and we can finally move on with her favorite boyfriends.
Katie asserts her feminism by taking men’s bodily autonomy away
We start the episode with yet another weird chat between Katie and the hosts – sorry, the mentors. I imagine these are so common because the franchise wants to justify paying two people to do the job of one Christ Harrison.
At least the women have some chemistry, which is more than I can say about the former pillar of paternalism.
The highlight of the entire fireside chat came when Katie (mercifully) lied about how hot all her guys are. It would have been terrible since the brief montage started with the ugliest man in the house, Hunter, doing curls, but Aaron saved the day. Our himbo-in-chief cemented his Paradise audition by jumping out of the hot tub and shaking his hair in slow-motion.
Then, the conversation turned to sex because we’ve gone an entire 4 minutes without reminding the audience that Katie is sex positive. Katie gave the boys a challenge to stop masturbating for the entire week (3 days in real time).
This wasn’t fun, nor was it clever, and worst of all it gave Catman a chance to make “jokes.” This challenge never mattered and it seemed like it only came up because the producers are 5 years old and want to use all their sex ideas from the last 20 seasons.
Also, if I were on the cast, I’d get up from the couch right there and do it in the bathroom as a sign of protest. I’d lie and what’s ABC gonna do? Put it on television to prove me wrong? Let people do what they want with their own bodies.
Now that we’ve made our allotted sex references of the episode, let’s move on to…
The next recycled date idea
I feel like coming up with date ideas shouldn’t be this hard. We’ve been in quarantine for a year and a half, so people have had to get inventive when planning dates. A casual google search of “date ideas during COVID” returned 1.3 billion results so maybe ABC could take a second swing at it.
I bring all that up because Katie and Justin are getting their wedding pictures taken by the gay photographer, Franco, marking the second date directly stolen from Tayshia’s season. Not that it wasn’t fun the first time (it wasn’t), but I don’t think it’s fun for the contestants either.
Side note: I love our gay photographer and Bachelor’s commitment to queer-pandering, but it needs to be said: he’s not good at taking pictures. Why is he the photographer then? Your guess is as good as mine.
But the date must go on.
Katie dresses up in the cheapest wedding dress ABC could find in her size and Justin puts on the dirtiest tuxedo I’ve ever seen for their photoshoot. The date isn’t completely recycled, however, because both of them are also charged with writing some vows.
I love weddings – or wedding receptions that is, so I hear a lot of vows. Vows are supposed to be cheesy and no one has written an original set of them since someone wrote “I want to love and cherish your heart through the good times and the bad.”
That’s why it’s so funny when the photographer tells Justin he needs to write something Katie has never heard before. These people are on their first one-on-one date and know next to nothing about each other, but please write something insightful and completely original. I appreciate a man who lives for the drama.
For their part, both Katie and Justin say some sweet things about each other. Justin stayed pretty vague, but in a good way, and Katie made a callback to the painting he gave her. No notes, good job everyone, let’s head to dinner after you print out your bad pictures.
Katie’s shocking revelation
Back on my week 2 recap, I remarked on how I thought it was strange she would have such an emotional reaction to an activity that reminded her of her dad. Not that she wouldn’t still feel some pain when talking about the man who raised her and died in 2012, just how I thought it was surprising that it would crop up again this many years later.
The same thing happened on her date with Justin when she realized her dad wouldn’t be there to walk her down the aisle or give his blessing. Weird paternal practice of giving a blessing aside, I thought this was strange again until Katie told us why.
She found out on her father’s deathbed that he wasn’t her biological father. There was someone else who gave her genes, but he was still her dad. Again, not an uncommon thing to happen. What is uncommon, however, is that her biological “father” wants to be a part of her life now.
In every headline I’ve seen about this dinner conversation, I’ve seen something like this: “Katie divulges shocking family secret” or “Katie breaks down when talking about her biological father on screen.”
Let’s get something straight: I don’t think this is a particularly shocking admission, we’re still learning about Katie, so any new information is just that, new. Also, calling that man her “father” implies he has any right to be in her life. The guy is a glorified sperm donor.
Why would this man want to be in his daughter’s life 30 years after the fact? Right after she started going on television? Right before she’s about to make a lot of money as an influencer? Who can say.
The timing of it all sounds really suspicious to me, but I’m not in her life so I won’t speculate on it any further. It’s clearly giving her a lot emotional stress about her real dad, however, and Justin does his part to ease her stress as best he can.
They share a kiss and luckily ABC has something planned to make her night even better. They invited the 443rd most popular artist on Spotify: MAX.
He’s allegedly a “young pop god” and looks ecstatic to be there (not sarcastically this time). He’s dressed to impress and does the best job singing in front of people making out that I’ve ever seen on the show. That being said, his song sounded like every other song ever played on the show, so I don’t think I’ll be buying the album.
Katie finishes the date by doing what all young bottoms have done: feeling a tall man kiss her neck from behind and saying, “this could be love.”
It’s probably not sweety, but I know what you mean.
The biggest waste of talent in Bachelorette history
The group date was especially bad this week and it’s really unfortunate. The men responsible were:
- James the Box Man
Katie invited the men to join Drag Race All-Stars Shea Coulee, the winner of season 5, and Monet X Change, the winner of season 4, in a shade-throwing contest. Shea and Monet immediately stole the show and made everyone at home realize just how unfunny everyone on this season is.
Even Tre, the “fun” boyfriend, said this date plays to his strengths then calls Hunter a “gremlin” and “a cross between a squirrel and a beaver” proving jokes are not actually his strength.
Blake also gave the shittiest soundbite of the show when he said “I don’t know if I’m supposed to be checking them out of not” when he saw the queens. Not everything is about you Blake, but if you are confused, maybe you aren’t as straight as you thought (congrats!).
Once the contest actually starts, two of the men try to be earnest, which is not the point of the date. Greg wrote the worst poem of all time called 12 Guys, One Rose, which reads thusly:
“Katie, all these seem to be in their feels. I’m getting the sense that they know what we have is real. I’m excited to see if you and I are meant to be, because all I’ve been picturing lately is down on one knee.”
That’s the level of genius we’re working with.
The queens desperately try to get the men to figure out what the real point of the date is to now avail. They only want to bag on Hunter as a “Bachelor-historian” who is too calculated to actually like Katie.
This is a theme that continues to the night portion. I’m sorry they wasted the queen’s time like this, but I hope they got paid well.
James the Box Man is our dedicated snitch of the episode. He makes the case that Hunter isn’t there for the right reasons, which Aaron and Tre quickly corroborate.
We don’t really need to talk about the specifics because this is the exact same thing they’ve done to Karl and Thomas. They have no new material and Katie is so sick of it she ends the date without giving a group rose.
Catman and Katie get invited to a swinger’s party
It’s no secret that I’m no fan of Connor B. I’ve made fun of how bad he is at kissing 4 of the 6 reviews I’ve done (including this one), and Katie finally saw the light.
Their one-on-one is actually a two-on-two because Kaitlyn and her beautiful himbo fiancé, Jason join them. They play volleyball, grill some hotdogs, and come so very close to throwing their keys in a bowl.
Jason can’t stop talking about how much he loves Connor and Kaitlyn forces him to spy on Katie and Catman’s make out sesh. If I thought any of these producers knew what polyamory was, I’d think this was intentional, but nope, they think this is just one couple looking out for the other.
But, unfortunately for Catman, he still kisses like his back involuntarily straightens every time his lips touch another’s. After 6 on-screen kisses (I counted), he still has trouble finding where both her lips are and ends the kiss by licking the outside of her mouth.
It’s really rough to watch.
Then, in a truly merciless edit, we watch Catman dressing up in the worst suit I’ve ever seen (more on that later) and saying how his date couldn’t have gone any better right before Katie dumped him.
The break-up was textbook.
Katie knocked on the door in a cute hoodie and Connor immediately knew he was toast. She keeps repeating what a good guy he is, but that when they kiss, she doesn’t feel a spark. Connor asks, “how bad a kisser am I?” in a confessional later, so I hope watching it on the big screen will answer his question.
Then, Catman gets to say goodbye to the fellas? Back in my day, when you got dumped on the show, you were whisked away in a Black SUV like a CIA kidnapping as soon the words were out of the lead’s mouth. Now you get to have a weepy hug with your friends? Doesn’t feel right.
It’s been a while since we set some space away just to talk about the clothes, but this episode earned it. Katie’s outfits were impeccable (besides a vanilla-colored minidress and some ill-advised boots). The men, however, found yet another low to stoop to.
Here are some of the chief offenders.
Greg took another stab at being poorly dressed, fresh off his last group date outfit where he managed to forget a fucking suit coat. His black undershirt underneath a tan peacoat looks like he’s about to go host SportsCenter in 1995.
He also negged Katie about how much he hates being on the show and demanded her to make him feel better. It’s nice that his childish flirting strategy comes from the same decade his clothes do.
Catman’s dumping suit. I didn’t know I needed to include this on my Bachelorette contestant fashion guide, but here’s a hard and fast rule: don’t wear black and blue in the same outfit. They don’t make sense unless you’re playing for Boise State or the Brooklyn Nets and look so, so horrible.
He chose to wear a black undershirt (3 buttons down, of course) with his royal blue suit. I hope he heard my shout all the way from DC. I also need to tell the man, from one easily-sunburnt guy to another, that he should wear light colors when his face is pink otherwise it becomes aggressively noticeable.
The cocktail party was our standard fare or men too lazy to put on a tie and some truly baffling suitcoat choices. I am even more convinced than last week that Mike the Christian only brought one suit, however.
Now, let’s talk about Katie Thurston’s best fashion week so far.
Fit #1: Cute, flowery sundress. A date classic and something that you and I could probably afford (yea, I love a sundress, what about it).
Fit #2: Sexy Hillary Clinton look round 2.
Katie loves herself a slutty business outfit as she should, because they look great. Just like week 2, this sparkly jacket has powerful shoulder pads that make you want to say “yes ma’am.” She matched the retro look with some terrible earrings and bumped hair that probably took enough hairspray to punch another hole in the ozone.
The only other miss of the outfit was some knee-high boots, but you barely saw them, so I give her a pass.
Fit #3: Pleated, high waisted suit pants with a golden glitter top. Yes, it’s sleeveless, yes her hair is crimped, yes she doesn’t give a fuck because she’s hot. Her hair journey on this episode was something to behold.
Fit #4: Vanilla minidress. Yea, this one wasn’t great, but she wore it with a great white jacket, so she gets partial credit. This is also the only outfit I hear any of the men (James the Box Man) compliment because these men are trash.
Fit #5: Literally just a bikini top and jorts, what’s not to love?
Fit #6: The best break-up outfit I’ve seen on the show. For people with short torsos, it’s hard to find a crop top that doesn’t look like it belongs to a child. Katie found the best cropped hoodie, though, and even managed to find it in a beautiful peach color.
She paired it with some high waisted jeans to let everyone know she’s a proud millennial and the heartbreaker uniform was complete. If someone dressed like that dumped me, I’d simply say thank you.
Fit #7: The pièce de résistance.
You thought last week’s cocktail party dress was the best one she brought to New Mexico? You were wrong (talking to myself now). Katie whipped out this navy velvet number with a golden-brass belt you could see your reflection in. To top it off, she threw in a 3-pearl hair clip for good measure.
When she walked in and I saw that it also had a slit up to her thigh, I gasped. I will never forgive the gossipy men who deprived us of an entire cocktail party sequence of Katie working this dress.
These unfashionable men don’t deserve her.
The Rundown: stats after week 6
I guess I ought to mention who survived this week:
- Greg (who looked SO pissed he had to wait to be called 3rd)
- Mike the Christian
- Brendan (who is now the only one in the house who hasn’t kissed Katie)
Who went home:
- Aaron the Union President
- James the Box Man
- Hunter (you were a boring villain, but I’m glad you’re gone)
“My heart” count in just the last 15 minutes: 3
Gossip kings left in the house: 0
Hometown hopefuls: 7