Bachelorette Week 2 recap: Katie the Professional Lead

Welcome back to Mouthful of teeth’s weekly Bachelorette recap where I’ll break down all the heartbreak, bad feminism, and television gimmicks on Katie Thurston’s search for love.

This is week 2 of Katie’s “journey” and we’re starting to see what Katie’s plan is: be a professional lead while serving capital L Looks.

All this land and not a chair in sight

We join our sex-positive™ Bachelorette back at the compound where she’s waxing poetic in the comfiest hoodie I’ve ever seen. Now that the audience had a whole episode about her sex-positivity, she doesn’t have much else to say. Will we learn more about her? The answer may surprise you, but let’s jump right in for…

Group Date #1

The date-card comes through the mail and unfortunately Karl is the one to pick it up. This will start a trend of everyone in the house (and at home) expressing how much they hate Karl. He’s a motivational speaker in his real life, but the only thing he motivates me to do is throw things at him until he shuts up.

Tune in to “Everybody Hates Karl” Monday’s at 8 only on ABC

The lucky men chosen for the group date are:

  • Christian
  • James the Box Man
  • Quartney
  • Justin
  • Karl
  • Connor B (Catman)
  • Thomas
  • Mike the Christian
  • Garret
  • Tre the fun boyfriend

What did the producers have in mind for the first group date of the season? Was it clever? Did it show a new side of our Bachelorette? Of course not! It’s a bunch of sex stuff.

This is Mariska Hargitay’s “wacky sister”

We’re joined by Heather McDonald who allegedly tells sex jokes for a living to get the ball rolling. She asked the men some actually interesting questions and taught your humble recapper the word “erogenous” so far, so good.

Mike’s virginity

Mike is our designated Christian of the season and clearly meant to act as a foil to our sex-positive™ queen. There is nothing wrong with keeping your virginity until marriage, we had an entire season about it with former stalker and current proud gay Colton Underwood. The problem with his virginity is that he treats it as if he’s being forced to give it up.

Must be hard being so superior to us heathens

Mike starts out the date being nervous about all the sex talk going around his Christian ears, which I totally understand. Nobody likes to be forced to expose something they’re inexperienced with. Then, his confessionals start to turn his internal struggle into everyone else’s problem.

In between sobs, he laments how Katie won’t accept him or “hear his heart” when he speaks about his uncompromised penis as if she’s not a grownup. We had a whole season about this, she’s going to be fine. This, by itself isn’t a red flag, but he followed it up with the classically antifeminist view that:

“I’m gonna show the side of me (the virgin side), in my opinion, where love should be”

What started as a simple personal choice has now become a value judgement of everyone not going celibate. And c’mon man, you knew who the lead was before you got here.

Another line in his (admittedly heartfelt) poem was that he wanted to make her feel “loved and honored” so he “would sacrifice everything to make her feel secured.” She doesn’t need you to do that, because not having sex honors her in literally no way.

He also equated her sexual nature to how good a mother she would be, which isn’t uncommon, but is something we need to move away from. None of these flags are red by themselves, but the combination, shows pretty strongly that he believes in “traditional family values.”

There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, but there’s something very wrong with judging someone else, especially a woman, for their sexual maturity. It’s something we saw on Hannah Brown’s season and I don’t want a repeat performance.

I can’t WAIT to tell god about this

After Mike’s poem, Katie showed just how good a lead she is by giving him the participation trophy. It doesn’t carry a rose, but she wanted to nip this plotline in the bud as soon as possible because she’s a smart lady.

The other fellas

It’s too bad how much of this date was focused on Mike, because nearly everyone else did really well with this challenge. They were charged with proving how they were “the greatest lover” in any way they could and there were some great performances.

“I’m done being the box guy” – This man at the beginning of the episode

Christian, who has been a background character up until this point gave a great monologue about how good a house-spouse he would be. After listing all the chores he would do, he ripped off his pants to resounding applause.

Catman brought out an acoustic guitar, which is almost always a bad sign. Instead of some cheesy song, however, he told a series of dirty jokes that had everyone cheering by the end.

He led the song off with the mysterious line: “my feet may not be perfect, but I know my own self-worth,” which is an odd choice of lyrics. Unless, that is, if you have a secret foot fetish. This was not a stand-alone line either.

Heather McDonald told the boys at the beginning that socks were the one piece of clothing most important to giving a woman an orgasm.

Christian went on stage with toes proudly displayed (although that may have had something to do with the tear-away pants).

He 100% sucked on one of those toes in a deleted scene

Justin gave Katie a foot rub on stage and called her foot a “piece of art.”

There’s no judgement on this blog, but I know one thing for certain: the editor of this episode is a feet guy.

Television friendly fondling

The night portion of the date was thankfully uneventful.

If his hand lingered any longer Mickey Mouse would’ve shot him on screen

Thomas walked away with the rose because Katie would really like to fuck him. They made out on the couch and Thomas went for the TV-approved ass grab, which includes a lot of thigh. I don’t think Thomas will ever be Katie’s first choice, but I’ll bet a million dollars he makes it to fantasy suites.

This was also a great opportunity to watch Katie do something that’s quickly become her trademark: wait for these stupid, hot men to stop talking so she can kiss them. Katie is clearly smarter than every man here and she just really likes when they shut the hell up for long enough that she can pounce on them.

Now that’s a much more responsible grope

We love our Bachelorette.

The First One on One

In a truly devastating blow to the guys’ psyche, Katie awarded the first one on one date of the season to Softboi Greg. You may remember that Katie already gave this manipulator-in-waiting the first impression rose, so he is clearly our front runner.

Katie’s not like other Bachelorettes. She’s empowered. She can DRIVE

Katie shows up in a red pickup and may have broken a glass ceiling on this show: she was a woman and drove a car. Even in past seasons of the Bachelorette, when the lead takes a boy to her hometown, she’s always in the passenger seat. If I have my Bachelor history wrong, please let me know in the comments, but this was one small step for Bachelorettes, but one huge leap for Bachelorette-kind in my eyes.

She picks up her boifriend and whisks him away to a beautiful landscape to go fishing. Greg calls himself outdoorsy, which we’ll find out was a total lie soon enough. Hey, I’ve been there Greg, sometimes you fudge the truth a little bit to impress someone you like. But don’t do it when you have to prove it in a few minutes. Rookie mistake.

Katie watches Greg struggle to set up a tent and struggle even harder to be decent conversationalist and has the audacity to call it hot. Greg is many things (a softboi for one), but “hot” is not one of them.

Then we get to the meat of the date when Katie starts to talk about her dad. He passed in 2012 and he used to take Katie fishing and camping often and seems to be something that she really loved. I’m not sure this date was supposed to bring up these kinds of emotions in her, but hearing her speak about her dad like that was truly heartbreaking.

Greg listened to her pour her heart out only to respond in stony silence. You’re her favorite boyfriend and you’re supposed to care about her man. It’s understandable that you don’t have the best thing to say because you aren’t a grief counselor, but you should have more to say than “let’s go fish.”

For his part, Greg did tell her that he wants her to be comfortable telling him that kind of stuff, which is a sweet thing to do. That being said, it’s a common practice with manipulators to try and get someone to tell you their secrets, but I won’t lob accusations like that (for now).

What I will accuse him of is holding out on Katie in what could’ve been a really tender moment.

Very sad, but don’t be fooled by the trauma-porn of this show

We find out on the night portion of the date that Greg’s father also died, and he ALSO used to go fishing with his dad. That is almost suspiciously similar, but it’s true and I cannot fathom why he didn’t say so earlier. I’ve never lost a parent so I can’t say what it’s like to talk about it, but I have comforted people who went through the same trauma I have, and it helps to establish that you know where they’re coming from.

I know I’m in the minority here, but I’m still extremely unimpressed with Softboi Greg. After this one on one, however, he might win the whole damn thing.

Group Date #2

The second group date of the episode will be a Bachelorette staple: making men perform violence to prove their worth.

Now That’s What I Call Denim volume 3

The good news is, they won’t be literally punching each other like we’ve seen in the past. Instead, we’re treated to some good ole’ fashioned homoerotic mud wrastlin. This is the activity men invented to see women fight for their enjoyment so I’m glad to see the tables turn.

Tayshia and Kaitlyn wake everyone up in their cute outfits, which provides some insight into out men. Firstly, Brendan is exposed as having cringe-worthy tattoos. Secondly, no one in this group has ever worn cowboy boots. And thirdly, Aaron is still SO mad at Big Baby Cody.

If you said this was from a gay porn I’d believe you and ask for the link

After several rounds of tender touching, we finally get to see the big matchup: Aaron v. Cody. It’s immediately clear that these men have history because their wrastling match is way more violent. Once their messy, public fight is over, Katie gives Aaron the belt buckle (second participation trophy of the episode) and asks him to stay afterwards to talk.

Does Aaron make use of his one on one time with Katie to further their relationship? Of course, he doesn’t, because he’s our himbo king without a thought running through his head. He tells Katie that Cody is a bad person that he knows from San Diego and has had social media beef with. Not much else is said between the two.

These liberal snowflakes and their participation belt buckles

At the night portion of the date, Katie asks the Big Baby about this and he gives her a canned response that he’s totally NOT here for fame and has no idea what Aaron is talking about (a clear lie). Katie immediately sees through this and sends Cody packing.

I usually think it’s a bad move to accuse your fellow contestant of being there for the wrong reasons, but Aaron pulled this off with grace. He’s actually a pretty good guy who just happens to have resting-confused-face syndrome.

the special of the evening is Mesh T and Katie will be your server

Now for the other men’s attempts to comfort their Bachelorette:

  • Andrew S. (the football player from Vienna) has a touching conversation with her about growing up impoverished that she seems to really like
  • Kyle and John compete for the most-boring-man-alive award
  • Hunter writes her a note on the back of what appears to be an unfolded Bud Light 12-pack, that Katie is so unimpressed by it took me several minutes to stop laughing
Treasure map ass love letter

Andrew S. gets the date rose because Katie knows she can’t reward Aaron’s snitching and the evening thankfully comes to an end.

The Cocktail Party DRAMA

Katie knows she needs to gin up some drama to make the rest of these boring men seem interesting and Karl delivers for her. Karl is going to be our villain for the next few episodes and he really wanted to cement that roll tonight.

Blurry mouth syndrome afflicts countless reality TV stars a year, this is not a joking matter

He came to Katie and drops a bombshell on her in between finishing her sentences and giving her advice she didn’t ask for: some men may not be here for the right reasons™.

You may be asking yourself, “wait a minute, isn’t that what we just had in the last scene?” And you would be correct, Karl took some inspiration from Aaron’s tattling, but made it less believable.

Katie asks him for specifics of who he’s talking about and he tells her that she just needs to trust him. This is Greg-levels of manipulation, but with so much less tact. Katie then decides she needs some lines for the promo and heads out to the foyer to tell all her boyfriends.

“I’m the captain here and I say **** you Karl

After her obligatory “if you’re here for the wrong reasons get the fuck out” speech, she calls Aaron to talk about it. He is so confused, but happy to help. She explains that he’s the boyfriend she trusts, and he responds that he has no idea what she’s talking about, but he wants to be there for her.

While all that is going on, Karl proceeds to tell on himself that he’s the guy that caused all this. Every man takes his turn yelling at Karl until Aaron comes back out. He claims his role as the new leader of the house and tells off Karl for manipulating Katie for no reason. Aaron is making strong points even for his lack of tact and I’m so happy for him.

The episode ends here, and we have some tired, yet spicy, drama to look forward to next Monday.

The Quotes

This episode had some of the best quotes I’ve heard on the show. Many were simply nonsense statements, and some were outright stupid, but all were exactly what we needed to hear.

These are some of my favorites.

“I can be fun, I can be witty, I can be flirtatious…how was your day” – Karl contradicting himself in real time

“the way that you carry yourself, the characteristics that you have, the person that you are, and the strength that comes across just so naturally, like that’s what I’m looking for in a partner” – Thomas saying everything and nothing at the same time

Let her sit on it asshole

“I cannot believe we just did that ha. Ha. Ha.” – Greg after kissing Katie while sitting on a bucket

“Do you feel like it shapes who you are today” – Greg asking if Katie’s deceased father affects her at all

“The way he handles situations to me, I find disturbing. It’s malicious in a way. It’s not the energy I want to keep around” – Aaron’s amazing reason for not liking Cody

“I don’t like the guy because of behaviors, like values, like integrity” – Aaron again. And so true king

“That was so…great. I love that you took the time to write this… It means a lot.” – Katie after reading Hunter’s cardboard letter

And the best of them all…

You can screenshot Aaron at any moment and he’s making this face

“I trust you and that’s why I’m coming to see if there’s anything that you know” – Katie talking to Aaron after her scolding of the men. “No, but I appreciate you coming to me” – Aaron’s legendary himbo response

The Fashion

This episode was all about Katie serving Looks. The men looked largely shabby on the evening portions of their dates, but it didn’t matter because Katie was going to blow them out of the water regardless.

Nothing but respect for MY president

First night date, Katie gave us a sexy Hillary Clinton vibe by wearing a pantsuit minus the pants. The top portion is styled like a blazer held together with sparkly straps, which is quickly becoming her favorite look.

The only mark against this outfit I can think of is that THICK rock of a rhinestone dangling from each ear.

She followed suit on the next group date by wearing a fishnet T-shirt on top of a skinny dress. Are there ample rhinestones? Of course, there are. Our lead is a sparkly bitch this year and we love that for her.

The real look of the episode came during the cocktail party though.

Batter up bitches but approach with caution – Nicki Minaj and Katie Thurston

Katie dropped the sparkle and embraced some textured cloth and a bright emerald green. The evening gown has a cut from ankle to coochie and looks like a robe covering only half of her body.

Matching that kind of elegance with a simple straightened hair and hoops combo completed the transformation to sexy supervillain. In only two episodes, Katie has shown she’s very particular about her fashion and apart from her Swedish Fish dress in the premiere, she really hasn’t missed.

The men on the other hand…

Once again, Karl has the largest lapels I’ve ever seen. Although, this time it’s his Peacoat rather than his suit, so it’s a half-step up.

This is the real reason you got sent home

The night portion of the second date was comprised of men thinking a T shirt underneath a suit coat was good enough. Who do they think they are? You’re on a date, you’re not Steve Jobs at a graduation ceremony.

Finally, the cocktail party outfits were a crushing disappointment once again. Unless you are wearing a turtleneck sweater underneath your coat, there should be a tie around your neck.

A group of men that owe Katie an apology for their outfits (minus like 3 of them)

Here is a list of the offenders:

  • Christian
  • Karl
  • Hunter had a horribly tied full Windsor (just try again if you messed up!)
  • Thomas 3 buttons down like it’s halfway through the wedding reception
  • John also couldn’t be bothered to try his half Windsor one more time
  • Thomas
  • Brendan (lost all his buttons in a tragic fire as well)
  • Catman
  • Michael
    • Worried that he didn’t get any time with Katie when he should be worried that someone stole all his dress-up clothes
  • Aaron, who also wore an un-ironed shirt

I know I said I’d be nicer to the men last week, but they keep dressing like this.

Like seriously just try again

The Rundown: the stats after week two:

“Sex-positive” count: 4

“Right Reasons” count: 6

People with secret foot fetishes: 3 (4 if you include the editor)

Men who like Karl: 0

Participation trophies given: 2

Right there with ya Quartney

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