Bachelorette week 1 recap: Introducing, Ms. Young

Welcome to Mouthful of teeth’s weekly Bachelorette recap where I’ll break down Michelle Young’s search for a fiancé and all the lovable (and cringey) steps along the way.

This is week 1 of Michelle’s “journey” and she’s already shaping up to be one of our best Bachelorettes yet. She’s smart, beautiful, and has the best set of men in at least 3 seasons.

And speaking of Michelle’s credentials…

I’m more of a fine arts guy, sorry Ms. Young

Did you know she’s a teacher?

“School’s out for the summer, bring on the men!”

Those words started the litany of school jokes and references throughout the episode, and they were not the last by a long shot. By the time the episode wrapped, I believe everyone on set made at least one teacher reference each.

Remember all the way back to 2019 with Bachelor Peter Weber? I started a drinking game with my friends where we’d take a sip every time someone mentioned that he was a pilot. If you tried that game this episode and subbed “pilot” for “teacher” you’d die of alcohol poisoning.

It wasn’t all bad, mind you.

Michelle’s backstory/intro package led with a cute scene with her 5th grade class. The kids were adorable and doing math I couldn’t solve now. The producers even gave the kids confessionals and treated them as more than props for once.

In addition, we also met Michelle’s parents in all their midwestern glory. They’re quintessential Minnesotans with a cookie-cutter house and an admittedly endearing love story.

With parents like these and her inherent intelligence, it’s no wonder Michelle seems like such a well-adjusted person who’s perfectly suited to lead this herd of cats.

You know that garage has a fridge full of YooHoo and lite beer

The men aren’t (all) ugly!

This is new!

Hannah Brown’s season was the last time we had a group of men that weren’t terrible and even her cast was only likable because they loved each other so much. Every subsequent season, however, the talent plummeted to new lows.

I was starting to think the Bachelor franchise just couldn’t find any guys worth a shit, but it seems to be because they were saving them all for Michelle.

We had guys who could actually dress. There were men who seemed to be smart. We even saw some dudes who actually had charisma.

But the biggest change from last season was that nearly everyone was pretty.

This was a remarkably slow opening episode, so we’ll spend most of the time meeting our contestants. Let’s start off with a few of the (hot) leading contenders.

Not one thought in that beautiful head, just vibes

First out of the limo, first to receive a rose, and first in our hearts, Nayte is the guy to beat at the moment. Nayte loves a road trip with his cocker spaniel and has a series of piercings that makes your humble author blush (I’m a sucker for a dangly earring).

Not only is he full of holes, he’s also 11 feet tall and might be dumb. It’s a little early to tell, but he had a large share of screen time this episode and when he wasn’t talking about how much he likes Michelle, he was struggling to talk about anything at all. Himbos are very welcome in this franchise.

Next up in the (admittedly shallow) hotness rankings is Rodney, or as I’ll be referring to him all season, Apple Man.

Rodney showed up in an apple costume he picked up at Spirit Halloween on the way to Indian Falls in hopes he’d become the apple of Michelle’s eye (get it, because she’s a teacher). What started as a simple fruit-based joke turned on Apple Man quickly, however, when he realized Michelle knows every species (genus?) of apple in existence and proceeded to list them.

$14.99 + tax at a Party City near you

She grilled him on what kind of apple he was dressed as and when he responded “granny smith,” she hit back with “granny smiths are the only green apple you stupid bitch” (real quote).

The last person I’ll mention, but not the last hot one in the slightest, is Firefighter Daniel.

Firefighter Daniel showed up on a toy fire truck and in full work uniform. It did a great job of showing Michelle that he’s very muscular, not too serious about himself, and can pull off suspenders better than anyone in the building.

The combination of these elements had me, and thousands across the country, wondering if they actually had a firefighter kink and I’m excited to do further research with him for weeks to come.

Fashion

But just because most everyone was hot doesn’t mean they know how to dress.

Men’s fashion on the Bachelorette is an afterthought. The women contestants are constantly critiqued and analyzed for their outfit choices while the men skate by with the shabbiest shit they can find. I don’t think the women should stop being analyzed to be clear, I just think the men should be held to the same level of scrutiny.

I wrote the guide to men’s fashion on this show, so let’s see who passed my (super low, c’mon guys) standards.

Tell ya motha I said I don’t need no freaking tie val bene

No Tie

How hard is it to put on a tie? You’re in a full suit and you couldn’t find a string of fabric to wrap around your neck? Showing up sans-tie to your first impression with the alleged love of your life is akin to going to your employee performance review in flipflops.

Offenders are:

  • Nayte
  • Will (he has a number of offences)
  • Olu (also hot)
  • Casey (played an elementary school game designed to touch girls’ hands)
  • LT (biggest red flag was wearing a speedo in leu of pants)
  • Jack (profession is drug rep and that drug is COCAINE)
  • Ryan (producer plant)
  • Peter (MUCH more on him later)
  • Joe (landlord)

No socks

This one baffles me even more than the tie.

Loafers don’t need socks, that’s true, but you need to realize you look like you’re picking up groceries from the car and you put on someone else’s shoes. If you’re wearing dress shoes, put on some socks.

  • Romeo (also spoke French and made a shitty Juliet joke)
  • Jack (who looked like a murderer, then confirmed it by being an Army captain)
  • Will
Looks like he tricked his math teacher into going to prom with him

Sneakers

You’re meeting your future fiancé and want to do it in Nikes?

When men get dressed up and do all that work, only to mail in the footwear, it’s truly a shame. Only looking fancy from the ankles up makes them look like a teenager getting confirmed in a protestant church.

  • Clayton (ABC’s the Bachelor)
  • Olu
  • Brandon J. (BJ because he looks like he’s 19)
  • Martin (2nd personal trainer of the night)

So, who passed?

The bright side of such a low bar for fashion is that it’s easy to clear. And there were some men who picked their feet barely off the ground to step over that hurdle.

The new James Bond looks like he wants to host the Tonight Show
  • Jamie (although he did dress like he’s an announcer for Monday Night Football in the 80s)
  • Chris G. (Canadian with shitty poetry)
  • Paradeep (tan Jay Leno)
  • Mollique (stopped 10 seconds short of dying all his hair)
  • Alec (literally can’t tell you one thing about this guy)
  • Garret (don’t bother learning his name)
  • PJ (looks like a 90s sitcom dad, in a good way)
  • Spencer (best dressed award)
  • Bryan (big boy who took all the body diversity with him when he was eliminated)

Green/Red Flags

It takes so much more to be Michelle’s man than just a pretty face and an outfit that a grownup would wear. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

“Yea Elon Musk and Joe Rogan are just so much smarter than normal people that’s why they’re rich”

Chris S’ privilege 🚩

Chris S describes himself as a southern gentleman from New Orleans, who 100% lives in his family’s former plantation home.

His intro package at the top of the episode made him look and sound like he was about to tell me all about his dad’s boat that he can take out any time he wants. It only got worse when he revealed that he’s a commodities broker, which is so evil, the rich guys in Trading Places do it.

Then, he confirmed that he’s a total douche by showing up in SHORTS. He did it as a “coming to school” joke, but still. I shouldn’t know what your knees look like until episode two at the earliest. He topped off his terrifying intro by negging Michelle and making a dick joke at the same time.

Now tell me the starting lineup for the Jets

Jamie’s maturity 🇧🇷 (there’s no green flag emoji)

I don’t subscribe to the classic Bachelorette adage that the lead needs a “grown ass man,” but Jamie is just that.

He seems emotionally intelligent and doesn’t take himself too seriously. He also looks the part in the best way. His face has crow’s feet that match his smile lines that make him look like an actual adult for a change.

Then, he shows how he earned those lines by being quick to smile and quicker to compliment. He did tell Michelle that she “smiles with her spirit,” which worries me that he’ll ask for her birthchart at some point, but for now, I’m all in on Jamie.

Literally painting it landlord-white with 30 year-old appliances in the room

Joe’s profession 🚩

Michelle revealed that she slid into Joe’s DMs before the show, only to get ghosted. She’s rightfully worried that he won’t stick by her this time around, but I think she’s focusing on the wrong red flag.

The guy’s a landlord.

He introduced himself as someone who puts a lot of “sweat equity” into his properties, which is a buzzword for real estate agents looking for houses in newly gentrified neighborhoods. It’s right up there with “paid in experience internships” and “I’m not religious, I’m spiritual” as phrases that make me feel gross.

If being a landlord wasn’t bad enough, he used it to justify why he ghosted the most beautiful woman alive while being super weird at the same time. He told her the reason he didn’t message back was because he had a property in George Floyd Square where there were “a lot of shootings and murders.”

Claiming that the most stressful part of the summer’s protests where the potential damages to your rental property is a huge red flag in my book.

Look at this psychopath, god he’s great

Everything about Peter 🇧🇷

Peter is Italian.

And not only is he Italian, he is the physical manifestation of every Italian joke on the internet. He literally pulled up to the show slinging pizza dough, calling himself a “Pizzapreneur,” and made cannolis for Michelle.

So, with that in mind…A BIPPITY BOPPITY HE MAKA DA PIZZA AND HE SPINA DA DOUGH AND WHEN HE LOOKA DA SKY THAT’S A BIG PIZZA PIE, THAT’S AMORE.

I don’t know where they found this man, but I hope he makes it to the top 3 because I need him on screen as much as possible. He should pinch his fingers together and tell Michelle that if she’s worried about anything to “fogetta bout it.”

It’s been a rough few years, we’ve all deserved this.

Did anything actually happen?

With all this analysis about the men, you may be wondering to yourself: “wait, isn’t this supposed to be a recap?” and yes, it is. But here’s the thing, nothing really happened this episode.

Most season openers are just a chance to meet our cast of characters, but even Katie’s had a bit of plot to it. The only inkling of conflict in this episode, however, came in a 5’8” package with an Elvis haircut and no chest hair named Ryan.

He looks like he’s explaining why he doesn’t deserve to get Me-Too’ed

Ryan showed up in an ice cream truck…at least that’s what he called it. This isn’t the scandal surrounding him, but it needs to be said: he had shaved ice, not ice cream, and claiming they’re the same thing is insulting our intelligence.

The real scandal involved 2 surprisingly full folders of notes and strategies (or as he spelled it “STrategy”) on how to be a good contestant.

The packets had notes about how to get a good edit, how to impress Michelle, and how to avoid becoming the villain. But, even having a plan in place, he still failed. The producers exploited his mistake and watched him flounder and attempt to lie his way out of it.

Michelle got her first taste of drama, her first opportunity to dump someone on television, and sent him packing at 4:46 in the morning.

The hilarious part came when she told the men she was ready to get the cocktail party back on track as if it wasn’t 5 am.

Who made the cut?

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba!

The first rose ceremony happened in broad daylight. It was extremely 9 am by the time Michelle read her first name. Here’s the list:

  • Nayte
  • Jamie
  • Leroy
  • Martin
  • Spencer
  • Cocaine Rick
  • ABC’s the Bachelor
  • Peter the Pizza Pie Guy
  • PJ
  • Blake
  • Romeo
  • Daniel
  • BJ (after he got permission from his mom to stay overnight)
  • Will
  • Chris S
  • Apple Man Rodney
  • Alec
  • Tan Jay Leno (who became the first Indian-American to receive a rose in franchise history)
  • Chris G
  • Casey
  • Olu
  • LT

Then, Michelle walked away from the podium with one rose left. McDonald’s is about to stop serving breakfast and she still needs a minute to decide who gets the last slot. I’m surprised no men dropped to the floor.

But, thankfully, she returned to the podium and awarded the rose to:

  • Landlord Joe

Who’s going home?

I’m banning the smoking jacket until y’all learn how to match your whites
  • Ryan
  • Bryan
  • Jack the murderer
  • Brandon K.
  • Edward the bowl guy
  • Garrett
  • JoMarri, but his sleeves can stay

Last impression

My final impression of the episode was mixed. Nothing really happened and while the episode itself was a little boring, it left me extremely excited for the season to come.

Michelle is the perfect person for the job as lead and already has every guy wrapped around her finger. I think the turmoil in Katie’s season, in large part, stemmed from the fact the men were more in love with each other than with her.

That’s not the case this season.

Michelle is beautiful with arms I wish would wrap around my neck and every man in the (ugly) hotel feels the same. She matches that beauty with intellectualism and a good nose for bullshit, so we aren’t going to see any male manipulators rise to the top.

Bachelorette is back baby, and I for one, couldn’t be happier.

He 100% says swag in his daily life

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